How to Floss

and dominate your community

Photo by Gabriel Mihalcea on Unsplash

Just short of my 64th birthday, I decided to floss regularly. I made the decision while digging a piece of NY strip from between my teeth. My commitment was fueled by a few things: My prior visits to the dentist, each ending the same way—with a measurement of my gums, a warning that the pockets were too deep, and a reminder to floss more; my friend who had recently poked fun at me in a text thread about my wine-stained teeth, and an Instagram influencer who posted that she doesn’t use any teeth-whitening products; she simply flosses every night to obtain such pearly whites.

Now six months in, I’ve noticed the wine/coffee staining on my teeth has, in fact, diminished, so I’ve stopped using the teeth-whitening toothpaste and returned to my regular red wine and coffee consumption.

I was carded recently at a grocery store. I noticed the cashier staring at my teeth so hard that she accidentally knocked over the “we card everybody” sign while taking the ID from my hand.

Later, I found $20 on the ground just outside of a local market. I looked around to see if anyone was looking for money and even went into the store to see if anyone had mentioned losing some cash. The cashier not only said he didn’t know anyone who was looking for cash, but also reached into his pocket and handed me $20 of his own. All while not taking his eyes off my teeth.

I’ve increased my pushup count dramatically. I could barely do five good pushups a few months ago; now I can knock out 25 strong pushups at a time, and I feel stronger and more vibrant. I started the pushup practice around the same time I started the flossing streak, and I fear losing my newfound strength if I stop flossing. Sampson warned us with a haircut.

There have been more drastic changes along the way, and not all of them are comfortable. For one, it’s hard to walk anywhere in public with my wife because people of all sorts look me up and down with that “damn, you’re fine” body language. And if I smile at them, forget about it. This has led to some difficult conversations with my wife as I try to convince her that I can’t help it. She’s probably a little jealous because for most of our 37 years together, she’s been the one who has received most of the attention from strangers; now it’s my turn, I guess. What does she want me to do, stop flossing?

And it’s not just the staring, cars stop in traffic to let me cross, even against the crossing light. This happens every so often in Vermont, but in New York City? Unheard of, unless it’s me and I’m flashing a brilliant smile in the direction of traffic. I won a recent local government seat by unanimous vote. My platform was solid, but the headshot really made the difference. Even the other candidate’s Mother voted for me.

The list goes on, but I’ll finish with one more flossing-themed change. Just yesterday, I was walking along a wooded path when I heard screaming nearby. I ran into the forest to find a couple that had been mauled by something. It didn’t take long to find out: I heard branches snap and a loud, angry roar from behind. I turned to face a massive black bear and saw that she had two cubs behind her. I jumped into action, not wanting to hurt the bear or her cubs or cause any more harm to the injured couple, now separated from the bear by me. I wrestled the bear to the ground and communicated as best I could that I didn’t want to hurt her or the cubs. Things were going well, but it wasn’t until I flashed her and her cubs a warm smile that she fully submitted and relaxed. I stood up, smiled even brighter, bowed, and the bear and cubs were on their way. I quickly turned back to the couple and began to address their injuries. Thankfully, they had packed first aid equipment in their backpacks, but were too weak to use it. I worked quickly, cleaning wounds, stitching them up, and bandaging them as best I could. Each look of concern on their faces was met with a warm smile from me. “Are you a doctor…and a wrestler?” one asked as I deftly finished the bandaging on her partner.

“No, I am neither, and you probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you how I was able to do what I did, so let’s just say I was a person who was in the right place at the right time.” And with that, I stood up, pulled out a couple of blue rolls of dental floss that I have begun to carry around, and handed one to each hiker.